Eating Re-Order

Last week the doctors did another medication change. This time they put me back on a medication I had taken in the past--back in the days when eating was merely something I did for survival, not a pastime or an obsession or a dream.

That's right, for the first time in my life (and for the past year) I have been hungry most of the time. It's due to a slow down and something else due to a new medication that evened out my mood but also made me a little sluggish and a lot hungry. Naturally, for the first time in my life I am tipping the scales in an unhealthy way--my BMI nearing "overweight."

I have been dreaming of eating a grilled cheese sandwich. I have eaten a full meal and still wanted more. I have desired Cheez-Its and chips and crackers and cheese and more cheese and bread of all sorts and then some more please. We don't normally buy any kind of junk food, so I have been saved by my self in some ways. But the yearning has been exhausting--and unsatisfied by substitutes.

I became the fat girl.

The problem was, with my metabolism artificially slowed down, my lethargy artificially raised, and no end in sight to the need for my medication there was only one way for this trend to go: up.

Thus the reintroduction of another mood stabilizer, one that revs people up a bit and speeds up the metabolism.

So now, my relationship to food is re-ordered. It's lunchtime, but I'm not particularly hungry. I will eat because I am supposed to eat.

The problem is, I have forgotten how to eat this way. Part of me wants to gorge myself out of habit. The part of me that has been eating because I am bored and can't think of anything else to do (plus I'm hungry) doesn't know what to do now that food is of little interest. I walk to the fridge. I open it. I peer. I close it. I walk away, sit down, wonder. Repeat.

And what should I eat for lunch? Is Naked Juice enough? Or do I have to make myself a meal from last night's dinner leftovers?

As a woman who once had little to no relationship with food, this new perspective is more annoying than interesting.

Plus, I hate that it was so easy to gain the weight and is going to be so much work to get back down to the other end of the BMI scale.

hmmm.... is writing about eating enough that I don't have to actually eat? Probably not. Did it make me hungry? Not really. Will I have some leftovers? OK. Fine.

Renaissance Fair Photos

Renaissance Fair fun:

Ren Fair

Neil and Hilary's Wedding Weekend

Medicine and Me

As much as I say I have resigned myself to a lifetime of medication, when things go awry I certainly wish I could just titrate off all of them and be done with it.

I still feel run down from the week. My body is shaky-feeling (though Thank God not actually shaking) and my head is all foggy. It's somewhere between being hungover from alcohol or an all-nighter or both, and being on a caffeine high.

Unfortunately, it's not something that is going to improve if I puke, which I feel like I could do. But I won't. I hate puking and try to avoid it as much as possible.

Besides, at this point all the medicinal poison is in my blood and I just have to wait it out. If I got sick, I would just lose my breakfast and the nutrients that are going to carry me through this day.

Additionally, I am still too restless to just lie down and take a nap. So, exhausted, restless... I feel like a two year old who missed her day time nap and now can't fall asleep at night.

All I want to do is try to get my grad school application together, but maybe today is not the day.

My brain

Today I'm feeling a little bit better. I'm pretty tired, but yesterday I stayed connected to my doctors through e-mail and figured out what to do.

It's like the three of us have this little three year old brain we're in charge of keeping from playing in the freeway... we've told it the rules but it's like, "Oh, I dunno. Those cars look so shiny and fun, maybe I can just run in there really fast. Maybe just once."

I kind of wish I could just hand the brain over and let someone else take care of it for a while so I can get some rest.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself and get some work done today but not feel too bad for resting a bit.

I think I'm in the market for a babysitter.

All that and a little akathesia on the side...

Today was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time.

I switched medications because one of the so-called stabilizers causes me to be hungry all the time--which causes me to weigh about 30-40 pounds more than I need to weigh. I also had to switch because I had been dealing with some depression that seemed like it could be improved, so up a little of this, down a little of that, add a little of this... the usual drill.

The switch was completed about three days ago.

I was not sure if this funny (not funny haha, more like funny Oh God) thing that has been happening to me has anything to do with that, but I've been getting overcome by this bizarre inability to sit still. It's happened three times and there are a few more times when I've tried to suppress the urge. Basically, I feel like I might have to pee (but then I go and it's not the case, nor does it make me feel more settled). It's kind of like I'm on the brink of something but I don't know what it is; I literally have to move around, running my legs in the air, squirming like a little kid... If this is what ADHD kids or other special ed kids feel like when they can't sit still in class I have a whole new empathy for them. I really can't sit still and it makes me feel crazy. It's kind of scary and definitely not normal.

I've taken some of my leftover old (still authorized) medicine to try to calm down. It helps a little bit. I only take half a pill. I have also done that a couple of times to help me sleep.

Today I had to take a second half (which equals a whole) and a bunch of benadryl to try to be still. Today, almost all day, I could not physically be still. The only time I felt OK was when I was asleep, and it was hard to fall asleep.

As my psychiatrist says, "Yeah, I would say the [new medicine] is a bust."

I'll say. Even though I was not depressed, I kept thinking of alternatives to help me not feel so horrible, but those alternatives were even more horrible. I haven't had such a bad day trying so hard to control my body in ages.

On the upside, since I already had to get off a medicine to start this new medicine, and since I'm not taking the new medicine, I'm down a medicine.

I get to try life without one of my usual medicines!

If anyone else is keeping a running log, that means I'm down to three.

Also, just for the record, I love my psychiatrist, who had this whole 17 e-mail conversation with me today. It's so worth keeping her even though her office is in San Diego.

Insomnia

I knew it was over when I became genuinely curious about what's on TV at 3 a.m.

Could I be missing something good?

This is night two without sleeping well for more than an hour at a time.

Last night Justin was at work, so I thought tonight would be better since he's back. Then I thought maybe if he were gone. Then I realized he doesn't have a night shift for the rest of this month.

Now, I'm hoping the couch will be the remedy I need.

I heard neighbors talking in the courtyard and thought I had insomnia company, until I realized that young girls returning home at 3 a.m. are probably just beginning their sleep--they've probably been out having fun all this time.

I've already begun to wonder whether I'll ever sleep again, whether I'll get sleepy during the day (I'll take a nap, I don't care anymore WHEN I sleep as long as I DO sleep), why this is happening to me. (Manic? Depressed? What?)

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Punk'd. World News. Heart Healthy Yoga.

Oooo! Maybe I'll do some yoga! Nah... there's TiVoed Law and Order.