Sunday, August 27, 2006

gains v. losses

(Please God, let the gains column somehow be longer.)

This week has been sad for me. School starts for the kids tomorrow and I won't be there.

Even getting past that line has taken me a few moments, a breath being held and then sighed and the reminder to breathe evenly.

Losses: our dream child (miscarried), my real students, my colleagues, contact with some of my friends, my classroom, my newspaper advising positions (and responsibilities), my sense of identity that went with all of that work and being a teacher, closeness with some of my friends who just can't handle me with MDD (that hurts the most). Short term memory, recent memory, defenses, responsibilities at church, control over.... anything; most things.

I don't really want to wrack my brain to come up with stuff for the losses list.

Gains: a new neighborhood (we had to downsize when I lost my ability to be gainfully employed) that is WAY cooler than the suburbs we used to live in, neighbors we actually know and like, friends at The Espresso Garden (who like all new friends don't know the whole of my past or the depth of the well I dip into just to get the power to go out and "put on a smiling face," but who are really nice and seem genuine and who might learn more of me (and I of them) over time), an apartment that is sunlit, breezy and walking distance from everything important--the library, the grocer, the museums, The Espresso Garden... time and the ability to paint and take photographs... all of which can be very therapeutic. A deeper sense of honesty with and about myself--I can admit I am disabled, hurting, only able to do so much, and I understand that I need to put myself first (sometimes) and I'm (hopefully) learning how to do that well. An experience that hopefully will somehow someday become something more than just an awful period of my life. And, in my everlasting "position" as teacher, might be made useful to others so that they do not have to experience it themselves or can at least have the tools to survive through it.

I'm just going to count the gains column as heavier now and try to go back to sleep... writing brings me too close to the fire sometimes.

No comments: