Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Call

He called. I had the conversation on speakerphone with Justin so that I wouldn't get so confused. Justin coached me on when to stop talking (I do so love that), but it was a smart move. According to The Man my disability insurance should still be in place. My brain doesn't work so well right now, so it's good that Justin was thinking and stopped me from asking any more questions to muddy the waters. Then I ran back downstairs to finish putting the clothes in the washer and dryer.

I got to the dryer, put the clothes and the dryer sheet in, closed the door and then stood there staring at it for a second or so. "What do I do next?" I put my hands in my pockets where on one side I have my cell phone and on the other keys and quarters (I often forget to bring those down and am happy I am wearing pocketed-clothes today). "Oh yeah, quarters." And so I put them in and pressed start.

It is so strange to be in my head right now. I remember when I had a brain that functioned on all cylinders at a much higher speed, and now it feels like I'm hobbling along with a cane and my drivers license has been revoked because I'm 99 and can't react fast enough to be safe in traffic.

My therapist said something about me being adultified too early, and so I basically burned out the cylinders. I don't want it all back, but it would be nice to at least be able to do the laundry without hitting so many moments of confusion and forgetfulness.

I have had enough of this preview of the senility that sometimes comes with old age. I can't help but think often of my Aunty Mercy (she filled the grandmother role for me & my brother) when Alzheimer's was starting to take over her life. She'd buy more yogurt even though they already had a bunch in the fridge, enter a room and forget why, do things several times or ask questions repeatedly without knowing she had already done or asked that thing. That's the worst part now--when other people can see how lost I am it's embarrassing, and when I forget parts of conversations during the conversations I hate it because I feel like they must think I didn't care enough to pay attention. I am listening! It's just I have this little problem with my memory right now... I'm sorry.

I want to be 31 and smart again.

Being 31 and old-in-my-head is too much work.

Thank God for Justin, my faithful companion and best friend who keeps me from getting too lost.

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