Wednesday, September 06, 2006

What if This IS as good as it gets!

Today I got to wake up when the sun shone (actually I think there was honking or sirens), got ready as I felt like it, finding little notes from Justin throughout the house (I left him one last night--it's one of the things we do to make up for the fact that we spend so few hours together), and then go to the garden and hung out with Jeremy (The Espresso Garden co-owner) and Grace Ann (painting a beautiful mural of a Tuscan scene on the Garden wall) while I painted flowers.

Today was an easy day to be happy.

Jeremy says I have a lot of energy. I thought that was weird because I'm "depressed" and depressed people do not typically have a lot of energy. But I have Garden energy. I can be happy there, with no one judging me well or poor, a sweet girl painting and showing me how to achieve more depth in my own paintings, and nothing to do but say hello to people.

Plus tomorrow I get to read to little kids there for story hour.

The Espresso Garden is a haven for artists. Someone who isn't one said we were inspirational today.

But when I get home and I know the afternoon stretches before me with laundry and loneliness alone, my heart gets heavier and I think it would be hard to tell that I have a lot of energy.

I try to fill the Justin-is-on-call time with something good for me.

Jason, Jeremy's brother, said it was good that I was looking forward to tomorrow when I said how happy I was that I got to come back the next day and do it all over again. It is nice to look forward to tomorrow, though I know the time I have to spend with the therapist will be grueling. And the garden will be closed by the time I'm done and then Justin still won't be home until evening and when he gets home we'll have a post-call conversation. Which means he won't remember it even while it's happening, and he'll have this odd sense of trying to make up for his absence with attentiveness to the best of his ability. Then he'll fall into a stupor of sleep... until 4 a.m. when he has to start all over again.

OK. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. "We move in the direction of our dominant thinking," someone says, and I would really like to have the chance to move in a cheerier direction than anything else.

Tomorrow I get to paint at the Garden and talk to Grace Ann and Jeremy. And maybe in the evening we'll go to a movie (some combination of us).

No comments: