Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

I LOVE YOU ALL!

And no.... I'm not manic. I've been thinking about this for a long time. (The love and the thankfulness, not the manicness.... well, maybe a little thinking about it, but just for diagnostic purposes.) But this is my first Thanksgiving since I thought the best solution to my life and to helping everyone I know and love was to kill myself. And then there was the hospital and all those doctors and the breast cancer scare and everything.

But I am SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE! It's a beautiful day here in sunny San Diego, my husband is loving and amazing and also cooks, and this year, this first holiday of the holiday season marks the beginning of the strangest cycle of 364 days I have ever endured. And I do mean endured.

So I am thankful for all the people (strangers and those close to me) who stood by my side (some only in spirit and some even from heaven) and helped me cling to life as a choice each day. I am thankful for all the people I knew in the life before and I am thankful for all the people I know in my life now--those who are new discoveries and those who have made it through with me and been so strong and faithful and whole and shared themselves in some way shape or form with me. I love you all. And I love me.

Oh my God! I love me. *tears welling up*

I never thought I get there, not when the sentence "I hate myself" was so easy to utter, when my response to anyone who claimed to love me was either, "You're wierd," or "Why? What the hell for? I can't even carry a baby around in me for nine months or do my job...." yada yada yada.

I love me. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm glad I'm still here. I have a terrible disease and it is not going to beat me. Ever. And I am going to do the best I can to manage it carefully and closely and without fear or trepidation or obsession. I am going to be a good person--and my definition of a good person is going to be much broader than the definition I have carried along for so long but which really belongs to someone else. I am just going to Be.

OK. I have to clean the house for the random number of visitors to be had today. Love you all! (But if it's not perfectly clean I will not judge myself and they will not care. It would just be nice if there were room for people to sit, though I must say the giant canvases do fill the space nicely... there are people living in them and just so thrillingly developing their way out of the colors and into our world.

I love life.

I love me.

I love Justin.

And painting and writing and singing and dancing and myspace (yeah--check it out.)

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