Monday, March 19, 2007

Anniversaries

Today my parents marked their 39th year of marriage.

I was sitting on a bar stool yesterday, watching someone order a green beer on St. Patrick's Day when I remembered our small group therapist last year reminding us we couldn't drink while we were in the Sharp Cognitive Behavioral Therapy program. "OK. Maybe one green beer, but that's all," she said.

I am thinking of doing something special to mark the anniversary of my hospitalization or my discharge from the hospital--or both.

Tomorrow I will find out if I get hired to be a magazine editor.

I know it's not really worth thinking about too much because we live in the present, not the past. But thinking about the contrast between last year's March madness and this year's march into the future makes this madness seem so surprisingly pleasant. The difference between a woman who felt half dead and a woman who can choose her future instead of waiting for it to happen to her is remarkable.

I have to maintain a careful balance in my life. Enough gentleness, rest, fun, exercise, relaxation, accomplishments.... I don't have to be the best at anything. I just have to be. I've held those trophies for "best"--they're not nearly as wonderful and memorable as spending time with my husband or friends, or painting, or taking a beautiful photograph, or writing, or enjoying walking the dogs or those other jobs I have....

I just have to be.

32.

Alive.

Well.

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