Thursday, May 24, 2007

Update from Wednesday morning

I wear a skirt and do my hair. Might even wear a little make up. Some how it feels better to be well dressed. Justin figured out he hasn't been depressed for 25 days, he's been grieving. It's like we're the attendants at a very long funeral.

As I get ready to go, he looks up information about what he's doing.

Yesterday he said, "I'm killing my mom."

I said, "No you're not, you're helping her die with as much dignity as possible."

"Sugarcoating it doesn't help. It doesn't change things."

So today he prints out articles and tells me there is one about withholding antibiotics for someone with pneumonia and dementia... I get to read that and discuss it with him on the way up.

I miss Tolstoy.

He comes into the bedroom to put on his prettiest blue shirt, the button-up one that makes his eyes bluer--like his mom's. "The morbidity rate of someone in my mom's condition, with pneumonia, stupor, dementia is 22%," or something like that, he says. I've lost the facts. All I know for sure is that she is dying. That he is for sure making the right decision.

The research comforts him, makes him feel better, will give him something to back up his opinions when he talks to Toni's wife, his step dad.

"I just want to make sure I'm making the right decision. It's a one time only choice. You can't come back from death."

And now he says we should shut the windows up and get going.

I log off and know I won't be sleeping in the car this time.

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