Sunday, February 10, 2008

oh my God

This behavior is unacceptable, so today I must use my cognitive behavioral skills bag of tricks and get out of my house. Yesterday, albeit productive because I put my application together for various art shows, I stayed in my pajamas until about 3 p.m. The world wide web offers this experience. I can even campaign for Barack Obama from the comfort of my home as long as I have a cell phone and access to the web.

But I missed church today. Not because I am lazy--I think--but because the prospect of seeing dozens of people with nothing to ask but how am I doing is ever so slightly overwhelming. If I could just slip in there, sit in the service, be served Communion (on Wednesday have gotten some Ashes) that would have done just fine.

And yes, ditching church is on my list of warning signs from before--when they release people from cog they have us fill out action plans for in case we see a lapse coming.

It's a beautiful day today. The kind of day that calls for walks in the park and lying by the pool--and I live by Balboa Park and a hotel pool that neighbors can use if they buy drinks from the bar.

So today I cannot lie in the cave of our darkened apartment with the blinds drawn shut and hope that no one will see me. Today I have to conquer whatever fear this might be and get out there in the world. Today I have to fight (and not with my moderately ranked irritability chart mood, but with my might and will to beat the depression and anxiety monsters). Today, I will go outside.

Oh, how does life get so small so fast?

This disorder, this dis-ease, sucks.

It's just so much work all the time.

You know those weights people strap onto themselves to get more exercise when they're walking or running. Having clinical depression is like strapping too many of those weights to your arms, legs and core and then trying to get off the couch.

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