I woke up knowing I should go with Justin and the rest of his research team. What's another $1000 or so, when this education has already indebted us about $200,000? Plus it really is an amazing lifetime (not necessarily once) experience. Though it is once in a lifetime to take this trip at this age and in this time and these circumstances.... and roaming around Rome might just be what I need. I know five days or more at home without Justin is a cross between an invitation to stay in bed for five days straight (only rising when I get really hungry, but also with the possibility of just stocking a few things next to the bed) or using five days to make this apartment my own (all studio, hardly a living room).
My irritability issue is a pain in the ass. It makes me irritated with myself, even.
This morning as we discussed our day I asked Justin, "Please help to make sure that when I get home from work (after 9 p.m.) I get to bed by 10."
"When did you go to bed last night?"
"Oh, Olaina.... I was out [fast asleep]."
"I know. That's why I want your help."
"How can I help you?" he asked, knowing that thus far his very normal version of help has not budged me from the couch and has sometimes caused strife.
"Well, I have this little problem with irritability and I don't want to be mean to you, so how about this: Say, "Olaina, let's go to sleep," and then hand me [a sleeping pill] and a glass of water and I'll follow you.
I have this little tiny problem with motivation, so getting up, getting the medicine, taking the contacts off, getting ready for bed.... it all sounds like more work than, say sitting on the couch and writing and doing other stuff on my laptop.
I swear though, I AM going to find a way to win the battles in my head. The civil war may go on for the rest of my life, but if I am just armed and ready for each battle I am fairly certain I will survive, along with my loyal comrades.