Saturday, February 09, 2008

Round Two

It's because of being smug.

It's because of looking at statistical charts during presentations and thinking, "That won't happen to me. I will not let that happen to me."

It's because things happen to people whether they "let" them or not. People are just not that powerful.

On the other hand, we are.

The power lies not in what happens to us, but how we handle those events.

"I'll rise, I'll rise, I'll rise."

It started at the end of January, the charts and the doctor says.

The charts track mood elevation/depression, anxiety, irritability, sleep, medications, illnesses... all on one sheet of paper with a column for each day.

"Stable for the end of December and most of January. Then a drop off in January, and in February...."

Could be stress. Could be the thyroid. Could be something else.

So people are messing with my life again. My once steady, once relatively normal, not so over-achieving achieving life got caught.

I tell them I don't want to play this game again, that I don't want to go back to the same place, that I don't want to do it all over again; and they tell me I am not.

With some conviction I believe that this is true: I am not where I was last time. Last time I went really far down a dangerous desert road and I did not have any supplies with me. This time, I see the warning signs and I am not ignoring them. This time, I am stopping to ask for directions, I am making a U-turn and I am going back to the intersection. Also, for the past two years I have been gathering supplies and I know how to dole them out to make them last.

I don't want to be here.

I really don't want to be here. But I have to believe that I did not choose this experience. I did not let this happen. My life's work has become avoiding this road. What I have to accept is that I am not the sole driver of my life. And God is not my co-pilot. That would mean I would be the pilot, and sure, maybe I am in the driver's seat, but that bumper-sticker theology implies that I make all the decisions and He navigates. It implies that the "I" is my will. I have come to learn that the "I" of a person is a lot more than their will. A person is made up of so many cells (and sometimes those cells are malformed or get sick), and so many experiences (good and bad), and so many influences (positive and negative), and that's just to start. Hell, that's even just at birth. It continues.

So when that "I" turns down a road it's not just because of its will. It's millions of factors and a magnetic pull and a result that happens whether the will wants it or not.

My will forces me to go to the doctors and get guidance when I see that I am getting unwell. We all say this time is not like last time because I caught it so much earlier, and we all must believe that I can turn around sooner.

I must.

It is not my will not to go to my job five days a week. We all know if it were up to me I would pretend I could do it all. I would plow through. We also know the result of taking those steps.

I am going to get better.

I am not in the same place as last time.

This experience is not a do-over.

It's a keep going and apparently my supplies don't run out.

1 comment:

Penny said...

I am thinking about you as you follow the road that leads you to wellness. Know that you have friends on your side who want the best for you.