Friday, February 15, 2008

Wishful Thinking

I remember when my thyroid first went wacky. Medication cleared things up right away. And the "things" were pretty serious. I was tired all the time. I needed to eat constantly and I craved salty food and didn't like chocolate anymore (Salt has iodine in it and that's important for the thyroid; since I don't typically eat much salty food craving it was a significant anomaly). Plus I had very minor tremors in my hands--like when people go too long without eating.

The doctor prescribed synthroid, and suddenly I wasn't tired and hungry all the time or shaking.

Plus my mood was steadier (just think what being tired and hungry does for a person's mood).

I should have known better than to think it could have been my thyroid this time.

A week without work and three blood test results later and no progress except exceptions.

It would have been too easy.

I want to fix this horrible feeling in my breathing (freakishly, the guy who freaks out when the printer runs out of ink before they press the Easy Button just acted out my insides). I want to believe I can just take some medicine and feel better.

The doctor is probably right though. He's conservative with medicine. He wants me to wait another week before I see him again--and during that week more days will pass without me working. We both know that I am not the kind of person who can be calm just because I am not going to work.

The very thought threw me into panic. The act of not working increased that panic.

One more week might move me toward calm.

Or I'll just swirl deeper into the horror that my life can become.

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