Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It's time?

Maybe it is time to say goodbye, even though no one will hear because no one is listening.

But, goodbye all the mom's I used to know before their momness, good bye borrow babies I do not get to see or hold or know. Goodbye friends I used to have but who have faded into gone. Goodbye friends who never were so friendly.

But I will not say goodbye to some. For some of you it's see you later--I'll visit, I'll call, we'll write, you'll call, you'll visit....

Maybe holding onto his friendship means we are holding onto yours somehow. Even if you want to be alone right now, not with your girlfriends to evaluate your life and make choices about your future, I'm still here. So is Justin. We are really close by and while it's hard for me to see your other half and not see you, while it makes me miss you and makes it hard for me to say anything without hoping I'm not saying the wrong thing... I'll wait. I miss you more than I miss any one's puppies. We were just all getting to be friends. I wish I had seen it coming, but I missed all the cues you gave me. I have faith that it will all work out and we'll be double dating again, instead of ever so awkward three wheeling and wobbly axles.

It's time for me to take down the photographs of those other people's babies though. There are two families I am still, maybe three, a part of... but the rest of you have known where you could find me for the past three years. You were here, then you were gone. I am ready to accept gone, none, away, abandoned, left, selfish, alone, isolated, careless, forgotten, self-centered, too busy, too overwhelmed, disappeared.

My heart only has so much space to empty. The outline cannot expand.

Maybe we are no one's loss.

Maybe you and I apart
are my gain.

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