Thursday, April 17, 2008

Six Feet Under and going deeper

a child knows what his parents need him to be

relating to another person is a way we relate to a part of ourselves

I went to websites and its all about what you can't do, so what can I do?
--try not to make yourself invisible
this isn't about me
--that's not a very good start, is it?



It turns out that everything I am is everything people want me to be
everything people need me to be.
They need my love and everything I have to offer that helps them
heal
grow
become whole.

Which is handy, because mostly I need to be needed.

It's why I became a teacher.
It's why honor roll, president of anything, volunteer, helper, leader, follower

and you know, when you've tried to bring it up before, or now even, it's like you've decided you should know who I am, like you're willing to see me the way you make yourself look at something horrible, like a corpse, because it's your job, your duty, it revolts you but you make yourself bare it.

--You're wrong, you don't revolt me, I don't choose which part of you I love.... it was just so much easier when you were a child and you would tell me everything and when you were upset I could always fix it. I don't know how to take care of you any more.

Let me, let me take care of myself.

--But do you? I'm afraid that you don't.

I do. I will.




Until they've had enough.
When they're fixed, healed, grown, whole

That's all.

I'm beginning to see how this little miss perfect act pays off.


Of me
tired.

--Whatever I was feeling before I'm not feeling now... it all made sense at the time. I hate this. I hate that my blood makes me crazy. I hate that I can't function without being chemically altered I hate that I fucked up your life.

You haven't.

--No, you deserve to be happy. I don't. I must have some weird ass karma. . . . I'm so lost inside. I wish that I could get out. But I don't think I ever will.


--
six feet under, season 1, episode 7 (italicized font)
Olaina (standard font)

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