Thursday, June 12, 2008


They are so depressing.

I woke up with a headache and had to be reminded that I can also make other people's lives miserable because I have a chronic disorder.

Fuck that.

I'm sitting here putting my cocktail together for each morning of the week and I had to hear all the warnings.... such-and-such med might make me suicidal, and mixed with this and that each pill's side effects might be sickening.

Fuck that.

One of these pills is working. One of these pills is on a commercial. God. There's 1-2-3-4-5 different kinds. But together they make it so I don't fall apart. They're like glue for my life. If I were a Barbie doll (OK, minus the boobs), and somehow my head had been shattered and all the hair were cut off. (Let's say that a mysterious other child took a hammer to that shaggy blond head... just for imagery.) If that were my favorite doll, if I tried... I mean, if I loved that doll enough to want to put her back together, I'd try anything. It wouldn't just take one type of glue. Krazy-glue wouldn't make the hair soft again, it wouldn't make the eyes blue and the lashes brown and the lips rosy, it would just harden and hold the big pieces together. So I'd have to use glue for the basic repair, maybe some needle and thread for the hair repair, some product or another from a beauty supply store (how do those extensions work?) for more hair repair, maybe I'd even have to sculpt a little putty to get a new nose on there, and of course the finishing touches of paint for the eyes, the lips...

So one of those pills might just not be enough. Maybe there will be five. And maybe I'll have to take them for the rest of my life.

Fuck it.

Yeah, I hate it. I'd rather just feel wonderful all the time. I'd rather feel OK all the time. I'd rather not understand those commercials about depression. But I'd also rather not watch them and be reminded of how shitty it can be. I don't want to be reminded when I'm feeling good that it might be more transient than it should be and when I already feel bad I don't want to be reminded by the commercial that I could feel better or worse in my depression.... however those people on TV look.

I just have to put these pills together now and see how this day goes.

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