Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Am I getting depressed? or manic?

I was never any good at chemistry, so watching my brain to see how its levels are doing is a bit of a task.

If I'm depressed, I sleep a lot, don't want to do anything, feel sad and heavy, can't be bothered with answering the phone because I'm afraid of who might be on the other end, and I believe that I cannot succeed at any task or feel under attack for everything I do.

If I'm manic, I sleep just enough, cast my net and see what work will come my way and take it all even if it is almost impossible to do it all, I answer the phone and I get lots done and I do it all with a happy face or a get-out-of-my way attitude.

If I'm OK? I suppose it's something of the above, mixed. My OK is probably a mixed state (a clinical term, believe it or not.)

So, this is how I am: I've got this pressured feeling to cast my net, but I am afraid to throw it too far out because I've seen what happens when I catch too much and have to figure out what to throw back. I'm trying to be patient and wait out the job situation; I have until the 15th of this month to get the kind of work I want, and then I go for restaurant jobs and temp agencies. This fear of not earning my keep keeps me running. Fortunately, I am also forcing myself with a little bit of actual desire to exercise daily, which I think is keeping my endorphins up enough to stave the depression off. My appetite has gone from gargantuan obsessed with food and dreaming of my next meal to more regular for me--I eat as necessary. I'm doing myfooddiary.com, which helps, since it keeps track of my intake and my exercise and tells me about things like calories, cholesterol (important because mine was a bit high last time) and sodium (important because it leads to high blood pressure, a family ailment. Also, it's helping me lose weight--I got up to 140 which is totally inappropriate for my 5'5" thin frame, and I'm down to 135 already. Only 20 pounds to go.

I'm also calling my mom a lot, but my parents are the only ones I know close by who can answer because they're retired, so that's a little bit of company. I have a few SD friends to call to keep me from losing my mind and I see the Oakmonster and Brandon on occasion, so we don't go bonkers with loneliness. (Justin joins us too.) I'm trying to arrange a SD trip, but haven't found a couch to surf just yet, but I will.

I don't have work yet, which haunts haunts haunts me. But we're practically in a Depression--housing market hasn't been so dismal since the 1930s--so what's a girl with an English BA to do?

And that's how I'm doing. I just keep on keeping on. Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll crash into the couch and stay there, and Justin would freak out and we can't have that.

I'd better go do something constructive. It takes plenty of time of my day just to do dishes, clean stuff and make dinner. If I could afford to be a housewife I would do it with this other stuff just supplementary.

Four or five more years for that.


OakMonster said...

Apparently, there are quite a bit of freelance editing/writing job out there you don't even have to leave your house for.

My blogger friend Brenda in Hawaii makes a living out of that for a while. (See Hawaiian Bren link from my blog.) And 'Mazing Amy was doing quite a bit of that while being "unemployed".

I can get you in touch with either one of them and you can pick their brains if you'd like. At least that will bring more moolah and it would be a somewhat steady job.

Penny said...

I've done some of the freelancing bit for a educational textbook website for lesson plans. I just stumbled on sologig.com if you are looking to go that route.

Also, I do not know if you want to go back to the lion's den or not, but there is always substitute teaching. I find that I like it, no lesson plans, things to grade, just implement and go.

Keep your chin up, at least you have serving experience!