I don't want to take the sleeping pill.
I remember the first time I was assigned to taking one; it took me a week to give in and do it.
I was afraid I would get addicted.
I did not.
I stopped taking it because we wanted to get pregnant. However, A) That doesn't seem to be working out, B) I'm not in any shape to be pregnant or a mother when I'm sleep deprived and clinically depressed.
I have to take the sleeping pill again.
And again I do not want to. But I must. I need to sleep a whole night through. I know that a night of sleep will help me get on track. I know my body will not allow me that sleep of its own volition.
I wish I could survive without medication. It's like being a diabetic and always having to take insulin. I wish I did not have to, but I do--and I suppose I am glad that the medication exists, because it means I do have the opportunity to sleep tonight.
God, please help me get better quickly. I'm going to shut the door on this tearful day and wake up tomorrow to do the dishes and make the dinner and take a walk before I get ready for work. For now, I pray, Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my Soul to keep; Our Father Who Art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name; Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever and ever. Amen.