Today was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time.
I switched medications because one of the so-called stabilizers causes me to be hungry all the time--which causes me to weigh about 30-40 pounds more than I need to weigh. I also had to switch because I had been dealing with some depression that seemed like it could be improved, so up a little of this, down a little of that, add a little of this... the usual drill.
The switch was completed about three days ago.
I was not sure if this funny (not funny haha, more like funny Oh God) thing that has been happening to me has anything to do with that, but I've been getting overcome by this bizarre inability to sit still. It's happened three times and there are a few more times when I've tried to suppress the urge. Basically, I feel like I might have to pee (but then I go and it's not the case, nor does it make me feel more settled). It's kind of like I'm on the brink of something but I don't know what it is; I literally have to move around, running my legs in the air, squirming like a little kid... If this is what ADHD kids or other special ed kids feel like when they can't sit still in class I have a whole new empathy for them. I really can't sit still and it makes me feel crazy. It's kind of scary and definitely not normal.
I've taken some of my leftover old (still authorized) medicine to try to calm down. It helps a little bit. I only take half a pill. I have also done that a couple of times to help me sleep.
Today I had to take a second half (which equals a whole) and a bunch of benadryl to try to be still. Today, almost all day, I could not physically be still. The only time I felt OK was when I was asleep, and it was hard to fall asleep.
As my psychiatrist says, "Yeah, I would say the [new medicine] is a bust."
I'll say. Even though I was not depressed, I kept thinking of alternatives to help me not feel so horrible, but those alternatives were even more horrible. I haven't had such a bad day trying so hard to control my body in ages.
On the upside, since I already had to get off a medicine to start this new medicine, and since I'm not taking the new medicine, I'm down a medicine.
I get to try life without one of my usual medicines!
If anyone else is keeping a running log, that means I'm down to three.
Also, just for the record, I love my psychiatrist, who had this whole 17 e-mail conversation with me today. It's so worth keeping her even though her office is in San Diego.