Last week the doctors did another medication change. This time they put me back on a medication I had taken in the past--back in the days when eating was merely something I did for survival, not a pastime or an obsession or a dream.
That's right, for the first time in my life (and for the past year) I have been hungry most of the time. It's due to a slow down and something else due to a new medication that evened out my mood but also made me a little sluggish and a lot hungry. Naturally, for the first time in my life I am tipping the scales in an unhealthy way--my BMI nearing "overweight."
I have been dreaming of eating a grilled cheese sandwich. I have eaten a full meal and still wanted more. I have desired Cheez-Its and chips and crackers and cheese and more cheese and bread of all sorts and then some more please. We don't normally buy any kind of junk food, so I have been saved by my self in some ways. But the yearning has been exhausting--and unsatisfied by substitutes.
I became the fat girl.
The problem was, with my metabolism artificially slowed down, my lethargy artificially raised, and no end in sight to the need for my medication there was only one way for this trend to go: up.
Thus the reintroduction of another mood stabilizer, one that revs people up a bit and speeds up the metabolism.
So now, my relationship to food is re-ordered. It's lunchtime, but I'm not particularly hungry. I will eat because I am supposed to eat.
The problem is, I have forgotten how to eat this way. Part of me wants to gorge myself out of habit. The part of me that has been eating because I am bored and can't think of anything else to do (plus I'm hungry) doesn't know what to do now that food is of little interest. I walk to the fridge. I open it. I peer. I close it. I walk away, sit down, wonder. Repeat.
And what should I eat for lunch? Is Naked Juice enough? Or do I have to make myself a meal from last night's dinner leftovers?
As a woman who once had little to no relationship with food, this new perspective is more annoying than interesting.
Plus, I hate that it was so easy to gain the weight and is going to be so much work to get back down to the other end of the BMI scale.
hmmm.... is writing about eating enough that I don't have to actually eat? Probably not. Did it make me hungry? Not really. Will I have some leftovers? OK. Fine.