Saturday, March 19, 2011

Dreams Coming True

We found a house in Seal Beach and tomorrow we get the keys!

Ever since my pregnancy began with Ella I have been afraid to write. I didn't want to jinx it, as though writing about her existence would call attention to the little miracle happening inside me, and if anyone noticed my good fortune, it would be taken away.

I still feel that way, but I also miss writing.

So here I am, braving it. Knowing I can't jinx my life by documenting the good, the bad and the ugly.

OK. So maybe I'm not ready to delve into everything that has happened just yet, but I will get there.

I was thinking about starting a new blog because I feel like I am starting a new life. My health has been stable for about two years now. I am so far "after school" that being a teacher is no longer my identity. I am a mom! Yet, being a mom(!) is not my entire identity.


Indeed, I seem to have learned not to wrap my identity up in just one thing, the way I did when I was a teacher. I am Olaina and that is so much and so little at once that I can't just attach myself to a label.

It feels good.

There is a part of me that wants to take down this blog entirely. I'm pretty sure I'll never get hired for anything with an online presence that talks about major depressive disorder or bipolar mood disorder II or postpartum depression. On the other hand, I have had at least one woman become a dear friend because my blog empowered her to let me in on her own circumstances. That makes it worth it.

I have always believed in the truth. I am also really tired of shame. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am and what I have experienced, and if people can't deal with it then maybe they're not suitable for building a relationship with me.

So, I'm telling the truth.

It shall be revealed.

In the meantime: We are moving to Seal Beach! We found a house to rent in Old Town and when it becomes ours for reals, seriously, I will tell you more about it and post pictures.


OakMonster said...

Welcome back! We miss you too. :)

Alana said...

Olaina, I am beyond looking forward to what you have to say. Thank you for allowing us to share the journey.